she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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