please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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