you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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