Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
