I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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