i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
