Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
