So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
