I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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