I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she told me i tasted like america
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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