I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
