DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
