Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
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