As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
