He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
