whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
