Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
