Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
