Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
