someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Found your dick twin last night
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
