I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
