I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
