Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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