That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
