You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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