My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
