Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
