i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
