I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
