Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
