Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
