Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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