I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
