I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
