I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
