false alarm. still invincible.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
