all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
