I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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