I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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