Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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