Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
