I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
