I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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