Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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