p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize