just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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