dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
