They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
