On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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