how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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