Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
