I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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