Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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